I was blessed to be able to attend my in law’s 50th wedding anniversary party in Pennsylvania this past weekend. The drive wasn’t particularly fun this time around, but it was certainly worth it. Fifty years of marriage is quite a milestone, and something to celebrate! Donna did much of the planning, with assistance from her sister and me as needed, and it turned out very nicely. A lot of family and friends gathered for fellowship and some good food to celebrate the couple.
Marriage is still something special on the whole. It’s becoming somewhat countercultural in younger generations, and yet it is also finding a healthy resurgence in younger generations, as well. Perhaps this is because several generations have lived through the increasing tide of divorce and know from the inside of a family’s dynamics what that looks and feels like. Or perhaps it’s because there is an independent streak in some young persons who will do anything to resist the ambivalent attitude of those around them when it comes to commitment. When I say resurgence, I don’t necessarily have data on this; I can’t reflect on overall numbers of weddings now vs. ten years ago or anything like that. Yet I am aware that the conversation about marriage has been shifting as I work with young couples headed to the altar.
Someone recently asked me what I thought was the cause of so many marriages that end in divorce. That’s a tough and complex answer. I think there are many causes, and it’s not possible to point to any one or two to describe the problem. Some of it is a cultural shift away from institutions on the whole; marriage is an institution. Some of it is bad theology and understanding of marriage. There are those who don’t recognize, or in some cases, subscribe to the idea that it’s intended to be a life-long commitment. But in truth, I think it’s more likely that marriage is harder than many folks have been led to believe. When it gets hard, stale, or stops working, we don’t often know what to do.
Some couples cringe when I say marriages take work. I don’t intend it with a negative connotation of work, like a job we hate showing up for, but rather in the sense that they take attention and intention. Anything and anyone we care for takes the same effort. Unfortunately, like many things, our culture shows us ideals in advertising and entertaining. Look how glamorous; look how easy it is! The assumptions about what marriage should be, based on those inputs, aren’t always the reality. When our expectations aren’t met, we can falter, and it can sometimes take some real effort to refocus on something more realistic and attainable. I don’t mean to suggest that many persons are in bad marriages devoid of love or unfulfilling, only that they aren’t always the perfection of a bridal magazine or like the lives of a social media influencer couple. Marriage is intended for our mutual joy, as the prayer book describes it, and when we find that we aren’t “happy” at any rate, we start to wonder where we go from there?
When I say that the conversation with couples is shifting, I find that couples seem to be, on the whole, more realistic about what they are entering into. There is a ready acknowledgment that there will be an ebb and flow in their future. Couples seem eager for strategies to stay connected and stay in communication. I hear beautiful expressions of what they want their marriages to be like and how they envision life together. Most couples seem to know that the joy and love they share today isn’t guaranteed tomorrow. They also acknowledge a desire to spend a lifetime working through marriage and life itself with a partner they deeply care about and who cares about them. They recognize and name a need to care for their relationship the way we care for a child, getting outside help when we need it. Ironically, children are often the cause of strain in a marriage, but I’ll save that for another day.
Getting to fifty years of marriage is indeed an accomplishment. It’s a lot of patience, effort, and frankly, some luck to get there. It’s also not the case that couples that don’t make it to fifty years are failures or wasted time. Marriages end for a host of reasons, some that we, as a church, ultimately support when it comes down to it. The days of staying married for marriage’s sake are waning a bit. Struggling marriages that can be saved, should be saved, however, there are times when the most loving thing we can do is to end a marriage. Certainly, abuse warrants a dissolution of the marriage. Divorce is one of the most difficult and painful thing people will ever go through. There is no need to add to that burden.
The key to healthy marriages is an understanding that over a long enough period of time, there will be change and growth in the partners themselves; there will be both joy and sorrow; there will be passion and boredom; there will be trial and error, failure and success, and it will not be perfection. Through all of it, if we pay attention to our spouse and are intentional about crafting the healthy marriage we want to have, we will probably be successful. The big caveat being that our partner has to be as engaged as we are. It takes two to be married, but unfortunately, one person can end it if they really want to.
So, how is your marriage relationship? What do you want it to be like? What can you celebrate in your marriage, and what do you grieve? Where can you go to get some support? (Hint, your clergy may be able to help!) What does love look like now, and how is it similar and different than when you started out on this journey? What do your marriage vows mean after all this time? I might suggest you find your spouse and give them a big hug and tell them you love them. Even if you don’t like them at the moment! Maybe some of these questions could come up over dinner or a cup of coffee. If you can’t talk to your spouse about these sorts of things, maybe start talking them through with a friend or confidant. The key is simply that you give your marriage some attention and act with intention. Your marriage is special, after all. You and your partner are both worth it. I celebrate that with you, whether you’ve got 50 years under your belt or not!
Tom+
Almighty God, our heavenly Father, who settest the solitary in families: We commend to thy continual care the homes in which thy people dwell. Put far from them, we beseech thee, every root of bitterness, the desire of vainglory, and the pride of life. Fill them with faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness. Knit together in constant affection those who, in holy wedlock, have been made one flesh. Turn the hearts of the parents to the children, and the hearts of the children to the parents; and so enkindle fervent charity among us all, that we may evermore be kindly affectioned one to another; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
Prayer for Families, BCP p. 828