“The sex talk needs to take place in the fourth grade

 nowadays.” Did that sentence get your attention? It certainly got mine. It came from a recent conversation between mothers. I have a third grader. I have a third grader! How can it possibly be time to talk about the s-word with my little girl before this time next year? Well, because the kids start to talk about it in the fourth grade, apparently. Some girls will begin puberty in the fourth grade, and once that happens, moms and dads have some ‘splaining to do.

We’ve never been shy about using the correct words for anatomical parts in our household; it’s a recommendation that you teach young kids the real words. At the same time, however, since I’ve never been asked certain questions directly I haven’t felt the need to go answering them either. I don’t remember having “the talk” with either of my parents, although I know we did. Because I don’t have a memory that such a conversation scarred me for life, I don’t really worry that it will scar my kids when the day comes. But I’m still not eager for that day to arrive.

I fully appreciate why parents avoid things like this. There are some things that are hard to talk about with our kids. Kids aren’t old enough to talk about some things at certain ages, until they are. And when the time comes we can’t avoid it because it embarrasses us or because we don’t want them to grow up or we aren’t sure they can handle it. I get it – I am not looking forward to watching one of my girls go off into the night with their first date, for example. I’ve been looking to see if there are any convents in Southeast Georgia, but I haven’t found any yet.

The goal of parenting, however, is not to protect our children and shelter them from the world, but instead, to be the type of parent that our kids can come to and ask any question without fear that they are breaking a taboo, or that they should be ashamed to ask. We want kids to be inquisitive in a healthy way, and open to learning about new things instead of being afraid of them.

Unfortunately the Church has manifested this same fear about questioning in different ways over the centuries. For all that the Episcopal faith is one that is open to questions and is generally content with unanswered questions, we have done a great disservice to our people. Like many denominations and churches, we have not always done a good job of answering questions in a proactive way, and instead have let the wider culture provide answers in our stead.

For example: a few years back I sat down with a teenager who did not want to come to confirmation class because he couldn’t believe that the world was only a few thousand years old, that God hated so many different people, and that everything in the bible was a literal, historical account of things. Because of this, he wasn’t sure he could be a Christian and didn’t think Confirmation was appropriate. I told him I didn’t believe any of those things either and said if that’s all that was keeping him from Confirmation class that we had a lot to talk about. That “all” turned into an incredible conversation, and long story short, he was confirmed and became a leader in the congregation who often came to church without his parents.

For all that we are an intelligent bunch of Christians on the whole, the Episcopal Church hasn’t managed to get many people beyond a middle-school understanding of the faith. Although our clergy are trained in systematic theology and biblical exegesis that takes for granted the parabolic nature of scripture, many of our members are not familiar with those concepts. Instead, people answer their questions with things like the Left Behind books about the rapture, which are now a full-blown Hollywood movie plot. There is a fair amount of Calvinism creeping around our church too, sure that every single thing that happens is God’s specific will, never mind the thirty nine articles of Anglicanism that clearly outline our belief in free will.

The list can go one and on – issues about heaven and hell, the prosperity gospel, theories of atonement, etc. On some level clergy have been reluctant to challenge long-held understandings out of a fear that people will be so upset they won’t keep the faith, or at least not this one. I think that on some macro-level we have been afraid that the laity of the Church can’t handle it. My experience has been different, however. Each time I have engaged a group or an individual with a head on conversation about a difficult matter of faith, the result has been gratitude and thankfulness, even if the person on the other end needed to actively process and discern what to do with new information.

There is an almost unlimited amount of teaching to be done; we all have a lot to learn. I want this to be a parish where we can ask the questions we want to ask without being ashamed to do so. I also want this to be a parish where we can talk about all sides of an issue without demonizing people on the other side. So here’s my offer: if you have questions or struggles, let me or one of the other clergy know. We love to talk about this stuff. We really do, even if it makes us uncomfortable on some level. I’d even like to try to publish some of the overviews of such conversations; they might influence future adult education offerings. Incidentally, Education for Ministry (EFM) is a shining example of how the Church gets it right, and I know many of you have done EFM. We’ll do it again, so if you want to know more about it or definitely want to do it, it would be good to know that too.

If you want to know why Jesus died, ask. If you want to know about who gets in to heaven, ask. If you want to know how the church makes moral decisions, ask. Frankly, I could talk about all of these all day long if it means avoiding that other conversation with my fourth grader.

…okay, I’ll talk to her when the time comes…but I’m not ready to yield on dating yet…let me know if you find any good convents…

Tom

O God, from whom all good proceeds: Grant that by your inspiration we may think those things that are right, and by your merciful guiding may do them; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.