“If I had known then what I know now!” I know at least one person who utters that phrase, or a version of it on a regular basis. In some ways, it makes me sad to hear, because it’s often said with regret. We all have things that we regret, but I hope that those regrets are few and far between.  Sure, if we thought we could achieve perfection, we could analyze everything we’ve ever done.  That’s why time travel movies are so intriguing.  Wouldn’t it be nice to talk to the younger version of ourselves and either give the perfect piece of advice or offer one particular warning?

I thought of this phrase as I visited a college campus this past week. Thinking back to my own college days, I pondered what I might do differently, if I had today’s wisdom back then. I didn’t think it with regret, though. I wasn’t recalling wrong choices, just acknowledging a clarity that could have led to different choices. Such mental gymnastics are dangerous. One change in our past could lead to a totally different future. It’s almost like an inverse version of “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Things may not be so drastic as if we’d never been born, but alternate choices could have led to disparate outcomes.  

I enjoyed my college experience and got a lot out of my education. I sometimes wonder if I should have applied to other schools (It’s a long story, but I only applied to one). The best thing about my college years was meeting Donna. If I had gone somewhere else, we wouldn’t have met, then married and had our two wonderful girls. I may not have remained in the same Diocese and discerned a call to ministry the same way. Maybe I would have met a spouse who didn’t support my calling to ministry! The roads that could have been taken in parallel universes are somewhat silly to consider. The truth is, I am who I am because I made the choices I made, and I give thanks for that – even the choices that have been less than perfect. Those are the moments I learned and grew. 

I think I share the same outlook on such things as Thomas Edison. In a 1921 interview in “American Magazine”, Edison had this to say: “I never allow myself to become discouraged under any circumstances. I recall that after we had conducted thousands of experiments on a certain project without solving the problem, one of my associates, after we had conducted the crowning experiment and it had proved a failure, expressed discouragement and disgust over our having failed ‘to find out anything.’ I cheerily assured him that we had learned something. For we had learned for a certainty that the thing couldn’t be done that way, and that we would have to try some other way. We sometimes learn a lot from our failures if we have put into the effort the best thought and work we are capable of.”^[i]

I have never been one for regret and labeling failure. I have always tried to make the best decision I can with the information at hand, and then make the best out of the outcome. I don’t live a life full of regret, even though I have certainly made poor decisions at times. My goal is not to repeat them again! This is a way of loving ourselves according to the love of God, as I have come to understand it. Several years ago, I wrote about one of Donna’s uncles who was fond of encouraging someone after a mistake by saying, “Well, if you had known what was going to happen, you wouldn’t have done it.” I tend to think that’s how God considers us and our shortcomings, too.  

I don’t think God has a long card file on us with all our decisions and failures that we have to account for. If God did, I suspect God would simply say something like, “Well if you knew then what you know right now, you wouldn’t be you. I made you who you are, and every one of those moments shaped you, too. I love you for who you are, and I hope you can love yourself.”  I think the goal is to look forward with the sense of Maya Angelou: “When you know better, do better.” There’s no need to live life worrying about the rear-view mirror. 

I didn’t always have the words to articulate this outlook. I wonder what would happen if I met my younger self and tried to explain it? Looking back, I think it’s the kind of lesson you can only learn by experience. Which is true about all of it, I suppose. I’m grateful for where I’ve been, who I am, what made me this way, and a God that has been along for the ride. I don’t have it all figured out yet, but I’m slowly crossing things off the list.

Tom+

O God, by whom the meek are guided in judgment, and light riseth up in darkness for the godly: Grant us, in allour doubts and uncertainties, the grace to ask what thou wouldest have us to do, that the Spirit of wisdom may save us from all false choices, and that in thy light we may see
light, and in thy straight path may not stumble; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

^[i] 1921 January, American Magazine, Volume 91, “Why Do So Many Men Never Amount to Anything?” by B. C. Forbes, [Interview with Thomas Edison], Start Page 10, Quote Page 89, Column 2, Crowell Publishing Company, Springfield, Ohio. 

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