Finding Light in the Darkness

by Mother Ashton

As I have been reflecting on the divine encounters in my life, I keep thinking about the very first time I experienced the presence of Jesus for myself. During my formative years, I lived in South Bend, Indiana, a community that was ninety percent Roman Catholic. As you know, I come from a long line of Episcopalians, with three generations of priests in my family, one of whom is my father. It’s as if I inherited my faith. I was an acolyte, attended Sunday school, participated in youth group, was active in diocesan youth programs, and was on the diocesan youth council.  Needless to say, the church played an important part in my life and was a second home to me.  I knew about Episcopal traditions, what the liturgies entailed, believed to my core that I was a faithful Christian, oh, and that the Episcopal Church was the best faith tradition. 

During the winter in South Bend, months could go by without seeing any form of sunshine.  Seasonal depression disorder was so prevalent there, that the doctors would tell people to go to the tanning bed to get some UV light. When I was sixteen, I was struggling with depression and that depression got extremely dark. My unhappy brain became filled with extra negative thoughts and whispered things like, “You just take up space and the world would be better off without you.” One morning, I woke up and my inner voice was not me. Instead of going to school, I drove straight to my youth minister’s house, which was a thirty minute drive on the highway. I stood there sobbing as she answered the door. Ann was startled to see me and implored, “What happened and why aren’t you in school?” Over the next few hours, we talked about my depression, school, and faith. I explained to Ann, “Something is wrong. My inner voice is not mine and I’m hearing other voices. I woke up this morning and something kept telling me that the world would be better off without me.” Then I started to cry again and asked, “Am I going crazy? What’s happening to me?” Ann hugged me and said, “Have you ever thought your faith was being tested? That Satan is the one telling you that you wouldn’t be missed?” I told her, “No, why would that happen?” She said, “Satan likes to fill people with self-doubt, so they turn from Jesus. You are faithful and the church is important to you. So through your depression, Satan is going to pick on you. The next time you hear, “Ashton the world would be better off without you. I want you to say, “Leave me Satan, Jesus Christ is my Savior!’”  I agreed, even though I thought it was strange and not something Episcopalians do. 

During lunch, I began to calm down and then Ann reminded me that I was skipping school. (On a side note, I had been skipping a lot of school that year.) So I was given two choices. Ann could call my father and let him know that I missed most of the school day. Or I could return to school and tell me father myself - however she would be checking. Ann gave me a big hug, told me everything was going to be all right and sent me back to school. It was dark, gloomy, and the clouds seemed so thick and gray. It began to rain as I drove back to Clay High School and I tried to distract myself by listening to music. The calmness that I had when I left Ann’s house started to turn into a heaviness in my chest, so I turned up the music. Trying to sing along, the voice returned. “Ashton, you’re worthless. No one would miss you and the world would be better off without you.” I shouted at the top of my lungs, “Leave me Satan,

Jesus is my Savior!” At that moment, there was a parting in the clouds and a bright ray of sunshine shone upon my face.  Then I looked in the rear view mirror and saw a genuine smile upon my face that had been missing for months. All of a sudden there was a sense of happiness and I knew I was surrounded by the true presence of Christ.  

This was the first time in my life that I actually experienced and understood the realness of my relationship with Jesus. My faith was no longer just inherited, it had grown into real, personal faith.  

I did make it back to school for the last two classes, my thoughts solely on the warmth of the sunbeams upon my face, wondering how I was going to explain this to my father and not sound crazy. I walked into my father’s study and told him that I had skipped school to go see Ann. I relived each moment as I told the story. “Daddy, I truly feel happy and I know that was Jesus.  Do think I’m crazy?” He said, “No, you’ve experienced Jesus for the first time for yourself and you will continue to have moments in your life when you’ll feel completely surrounded by his presence.” My father gave me a hug and thanked me for my honesty.  

As I reflect on my life, I have many memories that are impactful and I believe have helped shape my faith. It was this experience that made me realize that Jesus was just as real as the people around me, and that it is a relationship that I will work on for the rest of my life.